I am bursting at the seams with pride to be among the first news outlets to report that Ellen DeGeneris and her lovely spouse Portia DeRossi have revealed they’ve adopted a beautiful little girl! The news of the process has been kept strictly confidential until its completion. I am proud to say that for some very special reasons, I was among the early “non-essential,” “non-family” members to hear the good news, which had been embargoed by Ellen’s PR people until late last night.
Why me? Because Ellen has asked me to sign on as their personal parenting coach, and I couldn’t be more thrilled! They could have chosen anybody — anybody actually qualified! like Penelope Leach, or Dr. Sears — but they picked me.
Evidently Ellen has been reading this blog lo these many years, watching my children and my parental prowess grow as she gnawed at her (often quivering) lower lip, wishing that she and Portia, too, had happiness like my beloved and I have had. Wondering whether, if she were so fortunate as to have the opportunity, she might be half the lesbian dad that I am.
Well now she does have that opportunity, and I’m bound and determined to help her make the most of it. Launching into parenthood when you’re a middle-aged superstar who likes to cross-dress isn’t easy. But I’ve done it, and I’m going to teach her how.