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Baba is butch

Never simply late when I can be egregiously late, I am filing this mid-December response to Sinclair Sexmith’s call, posted at Sugarbutch in late October, for thoughtful responses to the following prompt:

What is butch? How do you define butch? What do you love about it? What does it mean to you?

It’s the opening gambit of  a project she’s launching this month (link forthcoming when the light turns green The Butch Lab Symposium #1 link roundup’s here!), which will be guided by the following intent:

to promote a greater understanding of masculine of center gender identities, expressions, and presentations, through encouraging: 1. visibility, because we feel alone; 2. solidarity, because there are many of us out there, but we don’t always communicate with each other; and 3. an elevation of the discussion, because we have a long history and lineage to explore and we don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

I am so thrilled about each of those three intents (nearly as much as I am by Mr. Sexsmith herself, whose chivalry and generosity put a maraschino cherry the size of Brooklyn on my NYC trip last August), and I’m eager to participate in the conversation.

There’s no doubt my “betwixt and betweenness,” gender-wise, is something that I don’t write directly into this blog so very often: at one level, it’s merely something I take for granted, and thus find less need to articulate. At another level, though,  I simply lack the time to step aside from the stream of continual parenting to lay it all out.  So long as I keep the blog title “Lesbian Dad,” I hope some portion of the explanation will be naturally imported with whatever associations one makes with that term.  ”Hmm. Not a mom. Whatever that means.” Which is true enough, and makes a good start.

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Weekend bonus shot (color fairy version), 10.30.10

lovefairy

Love fairy, Berkeley, CA.

The boy’s Halloween outfit, as worn to preschool yesterday. Worth rendering in color, even if it is the weekend and I usually like to go B&W on ‘em. (Full-body preview shot here.)

He picked this fairy godmother outfit himself, when out & about with his Ma. He was reportedly entranced the moment he saw it, and insisted they get it. He had initially intended to be a poodle or perhaps a monkey, but all those plans went flying out the window when this sparkly twinkly number spoke to him from the 5-and-under aisle.

I added in the t-shirt, what with it being a chilly day yesterday. You know, for Northern California standards. It was the only clean white one we had, but I also like that it bore an additional, subliminal (and I mean really subliminal: none of his preschool chums reads Latin yet) message.

In the morning before he went to school, he said he was worried someone might say he looked silly. We asked: “Do you still want to wear the outfit?” He answered: “Yes. But I’m worried someone will say I can’t.”

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Halloween costume preview

fairygodsabre

I hope I’m not giving too much away about his Halloween costume this year. Least this picture doesn’t show it with the blinkey red lights emanating from under the — what’s the word for that stuff? tule?  Oh, man, was he electrified (well he was!) by the discovery of that feature, by the way. “A twinkley dress! A blinkey twinkley dress!” Secretly thinking inside, I’ll bet, “Ha! No WAY the big sister could ever have had something like THIS!”

There will come a day when he takes his measure with a stick other than something he’s plucked right off her person, but that day has not yet come.

The headwear on this year’s get-up will be different than shown above, and he may not use this flashlight as his wand. Though I think I might suggest he seriously consider it. It does have the dual purpose of proper fairy godmotherly accessorizing and prudent night safety.

(A coupla years back, sister was a dragon and then a bee, whilst brother was a very smiley leopard.)

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Moment of realness

A quick sketch of the complexity of people.

The boychild and I were at a stationary supply store this morning, getting the nicest congratulations on completing Kindergarten/ congratulations on starting preschool gifties I know to give these kids: spiffy little hardback notebooks and fresh felt-tipped pens with which to fill them. Per usual, the boychild is in a dress. Today, it’s an especially pretty one, since it’s the last day of school for the big sister and he wanted to be fancy for the school’s Friday morning community meeting. It’s got an empire style cut, with forest green velvet on top and white organdy below, layered over a built-in slip dealie. Twirls nicely. Over it he’s wearing a plaid shirt-jacket, under it, striped cotton tights. All per his request.

Other relevant matters: in the past month or so, perhaps because he’s bigger, perhaps just because, our son has drawn more and more attention from kids around him,ranging from stares to snickers to derision.  These kids are all either a little or somewhat older than him, since kids his age continue to either not notice or not care much.  We’re at the point that I pretty much have my feelers out the whole time we’re in public, and anticipate some management/intervention/dialog of some sort with other kids.

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Prêt-à-porter bigotry

tshirtforbabybigots

Convenient iron-on transfer for babies and toddlers whose parents can’t be bothered to sew homphobic slurs on their kids’ clothing.  As seen at Michael’s arts and crafts in Emeryville, CA, a store chock-a-block with fun stuff that my dress-wearing boy was grooving on big time (yarn, ribbons, sewing kits), and a store we’re pretty much not going to patronize any more. Pity.

The iron-on transfer below this one, as you can just make out at the bottom of the cameraphone pic,  is “Future Diva.” A cute juxtaposition, don’t you think? Sissy? Followed by Diva? Ironic.

Getting one’s knickers in a wad over this use of this term could be seen as oversensitive by some. Fine. Whatever. It’s a free country. Won’t be the first time I’ll have been accused of being oversensitive.  But just as an illuminating excersize, I invite you to substitute any number of low-grade, utterly tolerated in their heyday pejorative remarks about, oh, say, this or that ethnic or racial group, or maybe people with diabilities. I don’t need to run it out for you here. It’s easy enough: pick your stereotyped characteristic, pick your slur-lite. Casually naturalized derision. Show of hands: who among you thinks “sissy” isn’t a gateway term for “faggot”?  And for bonus points: which term do you think is most frequently  yelled at men who are in the midst of being gay-bashed?  Right. I’m going to go with: “Faggot!”

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Road trippin’

roadsouthofsanardo

The first in what’s sure to be a fitful spring break travelogue.  Who knows — this may be the first and last entry.  But right now I got WiFi and an eddy of time as my daughter makes a windsock in the hotel’s kid’s club!  While the beloved reconnointers the beach with the boy child and her dear friend & said friend’s family.

Basically, Holy Crap, is all I can say.  Yes, I hardly get out, and yes, this is our first time in a hotel with our kids.  And it was chosen by the beloved’s dear friend, whom we met here.  She (a) also has kids and (b) has been here before and has given it the stamp of approval.  Apparently, people do stuff like this.

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20 questions about lesbian fatherhood

Partly in service to the students in the class I spoke to the other day whose online questions I didn’t have time enough to answer in person, and partly in service to the random assortment of you readers who may have asked such questions at one point or another, if goaded to by a class requirement, I offer up the following smattering of Qs and their As.

To make matters reasonable, I am going to pull off the feat of keeping all the answers to Twitter-length, otherwise known as 140 characters or fewer.  For those of you who are not Twitter denizens (Twenizens?), you will see, over and over again, both its strength and its weakness. Brevity: the soul of wit, but also of vast oversimplification.

When kept to this constraint, we can see that sometimes a pithy reply is best.  Many Twiterers (-erers), however, myself included, are compelled to post strings of related Tweets when one won’t do.  Do let me know if you think a thought/conversation ought to be strung out a bit more and we can carry on in comments or in another post.

For context, students were assigned the six-part essay I excerpted here a few years back: “Confessions of a Lesbian Dad.”

Q: Has your brother, brother’s wife, partner’s mother, and spouse adjusted to you referring to yourself as “baba” or lesbian dad?

A: Easy, on the 1 hand: I’ve never been anything else. But family slipped a little 1st few wks; newbies do weekly. I explain; it all works out.

Q: How old is your child and how is your child handling having a mom and baba? Does the child refer to you by those titles or has the child opted for something else?

A: Girl 5, boy 3. They’ve only known us, so our family’s the baseline reference pt. Gal often calls me Babbi. I try not to think of the kid in The Brady Bunch.

Q: Do you regret not being the one to bear the child or labeling yourself as “baba” or lesbian dad?

A: Never, never, & never. Much to my great relief on all points. I use descriptor “1/2 way betw. a mama & papa” most often. Makes sense to all.

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For ever and ever and ever

The boy and I are driving back from a morning’s peregrinations — hardware store (my idea, natch), bakery (we both agreed, natch), library (his suggestion) — and we were listening to one of his favorite songs on the Free to Be You and Me album: “When We Grow Up.”

It’s sung by Diana Ross, and here are the lyrics:

When we grow up will I be pretty
Will you be big and strong
Will I wear dresses that show off my knees
Will you wear trousers twice as long

Well, I don’t care if I’m pretty at all
And I don’t care if you never get tall
I like what I look like and you’re nice small
We don’t have to change at all

Hey, when we grow up, will I be a lady
Will you be an engineer
If I have to wear things like perfume and gloves
I can still pull the whistle while you steer

{repeat refrain}

When I grow up, I’m gonna be happy
And do what I like to do
Like makin’ noise, and makin’ faces
And makin’ friends like you

And when we grow up, do you think we’ll see
That I’m still like you, and you’re still like me
I might be pretty, you might grow tall
But we don’t have to change at all

I don’t want to change, see, ’cause
I still want to be your friend
For ever and ever and ever

As we near home, my sweet boy starts to sing along with it — he of the coiled-spring body energy and the jabbing sword thrusts and the fierce, fast tears and the insistence, this morning, on bringing his sister’s fairy wings and wand with him — and a swirl of contradictory thoughts elbow one another in my head. What a beautiful vision of the future. What a load of malarkey. Everything’s changing these days; anything’s possible. Think about that tomboy girl you saw on the playground the other day: she was surely loved by her parents, who did her hair like that. My son will be pummeled — like that kid in the middle school a few scant blocks to the north of us; wait, no, like that kid at our daughter’s very own elementary school — the minute he wears his fairy skirt outside the house. “We don’t have to change at all”– how sweet. How impossible.

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