News Flash!

I am bursting at the seams with pride to be among the first news outlets to report that Ellen DeGeneris and her lovely spouse Portia DeRossi  have revealed they’ve adopted a beautiful little girl!  The news of the process has been kept strictly confidential until its completion. I am proud to say that for some very special reasons, I was among the early “non-essential,” “non-family” members to hear the good news, which had been embargoed by Ellen’s PR people until late last night.

Why me? Because Ellen has asked me to sign on as their personal parenting coach, and I couldn’t be more thrilled! They could have chosen anybody — anybody actually qualified! like Penelope Leach, or Dr. Sears — but they picked me.

Evidently Ellen has been reading this blog lo these many years, watching my children and my parental prowess grow as she gnawed at her (often quivering) lower lip, wishing that she and Portia, too, had happiness like my beloved and I have had. Wondering whether, if she were so fortunate as to have the opportunity, she might be half the lesbian dad that I am.

Well now she does have that opportunity, and I’m bound and determined to help her make the most of it. Launching into parenthood when you’re a middle-aged superstar who likes to cross-dress isn’t easy. But I’ve done it, and I’m going to teach her how.

I’ll admit, it’s going to be a little rough on my family to uproot from our NorCal home and acclimate to the ways of SoCal. The driving everywhere. The stares we’ll receive as dark-haired women with paunches. At first the kids are going to cry a lot, leaving their home, their friends, their schools, and most of all, the rich family life they’ve enjoyed in our co-housing “village.” But as soon as they meet Ellen’s and Portia’s personal chef and realize they have a live pony at their farm, well! They’ll never look back.

The only sad news is that as a condition of employment as her parenting coach, I have to stop publishing this blog. The temptation to write about her and Portia’s parenting journey, after all, would have been too great.  And it would have been so easy just to slip the iPhone out of my pocket, pretend to make a call, and — snap! — take some picture which I might think was endearing, but which The National Enquirer might think was worth a year’s college tuition. That’s just not worth the temptation.

So I’m afraid to say that this will be my last post as Lesbian Dad. It’s been an incredible five-plus years with you people, even if it got a little thin there in the end when I had that super-trying year.  Things sure took a turn for the better, didn’t they?  I’m gonna miss you people.  But not quiiiiiite as much as I’m going to enjoy my busy employment as a trusted advisor to the only lesbian dad in America more famous than myself.

Okay, okay, April Fool’s. That’s Ellen DeGeneris’ niece (Eva), not her daughter.  Taken at Ellen and Portia’s Christmas Holiday trip to St. Bart’s last year. But can you see the little hearts springing out of their eyes as they hold that little punkin? I can hear Portia’s ovaries spinning from way up here. Gals, if you need me, I’m just a Tweet or an email away.

27 Responses to News Flash!

  1. kanga43 April 1, 2011 at #

    As wonderful as an opportunity as this sounds like for yourself and your family, my fingers and toes are crossed that this is an April Fools joke!!

  2. valeriegp April 1, 2011 at #

    This is fantastic! Great April Fool’s post!

  3. Tigs April 1, 2011 at #

    Oh, I shall miss you!!!

    I know I haven’t commented much, but I have been reading for years, have watched your children grow, and indeed, have learned much about loving and living from you (and I did answer the surveys as requested).

    I’m so excited for you and your family, what an incredible opportunity.

    I also have to say, this makes me love Ellen* even more!!! That she sees how great you are only confirms that she must indeed be wise and loving (and not just play wise and loving on tv :) ).

    Best of luck to you and yours!!

    *I don’t think I could love Portia more… I can pretty much recite all three seasons of Arrested Development…

    *

  4. mlthom April 1, 2011 at #

    You had me going! You really did! Right about where you said you were moving to SoCal, I went- hey wait a minute, no way…. geez I’m gullible. WASN’T surprised at all to hear that Ellen had been reading this blog, though… that part is probably true :)

  5. Lesbian Dad April 1, 2011 at #

    Oh, Tigs, will you still read this blog if I told you that… um… it’s a TOTAL APRIL FOOL’S FABRICATION?

    Apparently the wee font on the other side of the jump is so wee (and hey! I am so lucky anyone is reading this thing after how fallow it’s been this past year!) that probably every 6th person is actually linking to it & reading it.

    Fortunately this is not likely to cause a “War of the Worlds” -esque mass panic. Just perhaps a little undeserved rancor towards America’s Favorite Lesbian. Which of course I don’t want, since in the extremely unlikely event that she does read this blog, I wouldn’t want to offend. Plus, what do I know. Maybe she keeps a little notebook with her w/ a short list of parenting coaches on it. Though I will say right now, I love my job, so she’s gonna have to really bring it on the offer.

    Meanwhile: HAPPY SPRING, PEOPLE!

  6. Lynda M O April 1, 2011 at #

    You incorrigible you !~! You crack me up. Last post, indeed. I only found you a short time ago so broke out in a big smile when I read the fine print. Love that sense of humor you keep close to the surface, LD.

    ~.~May each step we take lead the way to Peace~.~

  7. perkl8 April 1, 2011 at #

    Love this! For a bit I thought, wow, is this her new job?? Is this why she hasn’t posted in a while? But when i got to moving to SoCal, I knew it could’t be so…. Really. That would be too much even for a great job. This and the NPR bit about 3-D surgery so you don’t have to wear those awful glasses to watch classics like “Gnomeo and Juliet” made my day!

    • Lesbian Dad April 1, 2011 at #

      !

      The timing has worked out nicely, I must say. Unplanned (I wrote this post months ago, as soon as I saw the St. Barts vacay pictures), but perfect. I do have a post in the hopper about my ACTUAL new job. Which I love. But it doesn’t involve ponies just yet.

  8. tawandah April 1, 2011 at #

    OMG, you had me going there! I didn’t see the teeny-weeny last paragraph… You’re so bad, you’re good!

  9. Vikki April 1, 2011 at #

    Well done (though I wasn’t fooled because I am a pop culture BEAST and saw those pics when they first appeared)! And Tigs – I too know much of Arrested Development by heart. We should form a club.

  10. Shereen April 1, 2011 at #

    Hilarious! I suspected almost immediately – there wasn’t nearly enough angst about shutting LD down, and when I got to the blithe mention of leaving the ‘village’ for interminable commuting and ponies, I was onto you. But it may also be because I refuse to imagine a blogworld without you! Happy April Fools Day – looking forward to hearing about the new job.

  11. debontherocks April 1, 2011 at #

    You nerd!!

  12. BeethovenLives April 1, 2011 at #

    Ack! You got me! I am somewhat relieved you didn’t really get an amazing job with an amazing celeb though :D

    Keep on blogging!

    • Lesbian Dad April 1, 2011 at #

      You know, I did get an amazing job, with an org run by three women who are amazing celebs. But they don’t allow ponies in here. More on that soon. I think I’m finally getting the hang of the job enough to return to a very modest posting schedule. Alas, rarely will I be able to chat during the day so much as I am today. Just feels like a public responsibility, what with ye olde prank. Geezum peezum, I had a friend or two calling me to congratulate me on the good news!

      And thanks, BL: to the best of my ability, I will keep on blogging.

  13. Natalie April 1, 2011 at #

    Aaaahhhh…I f*cking LOVE this!!!

    You had me going hard core…so much so, that I was like “Hey, when they get to LA, maybe the wife and I can show them around a bit. That is if they aren’t too busy with the Degeneres-DeRossis.”

    Dude. The most brilliant April Fool’s ever. :)

    (Glad to hear the real job is awesome!)

  14. Tigs April 2, 2011 at #

    Achh of course!!!

    It was early in the day I was readingggg!!!

    I actually told my students that I am incredibly credulous person, at least for five minutes!!

    Yay for more LD!!!

  15. maju April 2, 2011 at #

    I was really worried for a minute, until I read the small print at the bottom. I’m very relieved that you won’t be going anywhere.

  16. smurf April 2, 2011 at #

    Particularly since I didn’t read this until April 2nd, you totally got me hook, line, and sinker.

  17. Tamara Granger April 3, 2011 at #

    Polly!!!! I read the feed title and I was like yeaahhh!! then I came to the post and saw the little girl in question… I watch Ellen regularly so I KNOW that the baby girl is her brother’s daughter otherwise you’d have fool me… good day to the LD family ;)

  18. Liza April 3, 2011 at #

    Heeheeheeheehee! Good one!

    I bought it for the first 2 paragraphs, but around #3, I started thinking that it didn’t quite sound like you, and when you began to claim that you and the fam would be moving, I knew for sure.

    You would be a great parenting coach, though. You know. In your spare time. ;)

  19. directorgrrl April 6, 2011 at #

    you had me till the moving to LA part.
    i can totally see you being ellen’s favorite blog.

  20. Lucky April 6, 2011 at #

    Funny stuff, LD. And by the way, we’ve never met and I rarely comment, but you are definitely one of my parenting coaches!

  21. Lesbian Dad April 8, 2011 at #

    (a) I love it that so many folks were fine up until the “moving to Southern California” part. Though I’m having a hard time living that down around my SoCal workmates.

    (b) Liza, Lucky, et al.: my sagest parenting advice would probably be “do as I say, not as I do.” Though actually, it would be really fun to try to do a post on that sort of stuff, maybe as a Baba’s Day thing (gives me a few months’ run-up, which, given my meager post-full-time-job posting output, may be just about right). Everyone else’s two cents in the comments would be great to read.

  22. mlthom April 8, 2011 at #

    Based only on reading, I still cannot, cannot, see you moving south. Still as expensive, but without the quirky culture and progressive political vibe?

    Plus you and J would have to go blonde and get orange spray tans…

  23. ShannonR April 9, 2011 at #

    That was awesome. I love your blog and read it regularly…though I think I may have only commented once or twice. Very funny, though. You had me going, too. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you were Ellen’s favorite blogger.

  24. tisworthwhile April 19, 2011 at #

    Hahahahaha. Awesome. Just awesome.

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