Ninety

pops@52
Pops at 52, Castro Valley, CA.

Today my Pops turns 90. He has outlived more family members than he ever expected to, including younger sister, wife, first grandson. For as long as I can remember, he’d say, regarding his projected longevity: “Live ’til ninety, then start counting.”

We’re hoping the counting will go on for quite some time.

I remember taking the picture above some 38 years ago with my first camera, a Kodak Instamatic. I was roving around taking portraits of every family member, bipedal and quadrupedal, that would hold still long enough to let me.  Most pictures were of my dog, and then later, landscapes on family trips. I remember that of all the family portrait subjects he was the most accomodating, but he had to get up and procure himself something to hold, so’s he was — I don’t know — more occupied. Kind of more official-seeming. I think he’s holding a baseball hat of mine. Hard to tell against the shouting-out-loud polyester cover we had on that couch.

Now he’s got a pugnacious Dupuytren’s contracture, a condition that bends the pinky and ring fingers in toward the palm. He would be able to hold that baseball cap now, but with a little more difficulty. Can’t play the piano anymore. When he remembers to put in his hearing aid, he is still never 100%. Whenever he knows he’s been asked a question, but didn’t quite hear its particulars, he answers, “Probably.” Which works pretty well in most circumstances. At a table with more than a few chatting people, he can make out that people are having a lively conversation, but often is challenged to identify exactly about what.

There are milestones yet that he might like to witness. But he’s seen a lot already.  Triumph, loss, precious things broken. Now all he cares about is love. When he’s at his most lucid, when I’m talking to the Pops I’ve known all my life, that is what’s vivid to him. Events in the recent and middle distance-past often shimmer for him in a warbly blur, like pebbles underwater at the bottom of a creekbed. For a while now it’s been easy for him to slip my sister or me out of our generation, and until we catch and gently correct him, for a moment he can think he might be talking to his younger sister, or his wife. A Geographer by profession and a world traveller, he has longsince lost his ability to know his way outside of the town he spends most of his time in. Nowadays, when he’s visiting me in my town — the place he met and came to love my mother; the town I began in as a zygote — it is as if block after block is appearing to him out of the fog of a dream. “Ah, yes,” he’ll say, as we drive along, but it’s hard to tell if it’s not still dream-like. “Probably,” might be his answer.

What is vividly clear is that it’s the love of the people around him — mostly, when it comes down to it, the love of my sister and me and our families — that he is sticking around for.  He has said as much for years. After you’ve done what you’ve wanted to, been where you’ve wanted to go — if you’ve been so phenomenally fortunate, which he essentially has been — it is the love that is left. It’s a nice thing to know.  At the end of our nightly phone chats, I always remind him how wonderful it is to hear the sound of his voice, how much talking to him is the highlight of my day. I love saying that to him. Then, before we hang up, I say, “Hey, how ’bout we talk again tomorrow?” And he says, “Hey, how ’bout it?”  Not knowing for certain whether I’m going to get that privilege makes it all the sweeter every time I do.

pops@87
Pops at 87, City Hall, San Francisco, CA. (Photo: AZ)

9 Responses to Ninety

  1. debbie January 11, 2011 at #

    It makes me smile to see how much you look like him.

  2. hatched by two chicks January 11, 2011 at #

    Happiest of Happy Birthdays to your father. I so love seeing and hearing about him here.

  3. dykeevolution January 11, 2011 at #

    Happy Birthday to your Pops. That is quite a milestone. My great-grandmom turned 89 on Halloween, and I’m very grateful for her presence here in my life. She has dementia that is getting progressively worse, and really should be in 24-hour care by now, but my great-uncle still takes care of her mostly full time, with a little bit of help from my grandmom. It has been quite a thing to be apart of, this aging process. How many 28 year olds can still say they have their great-grandmom around? She doesn’t always remember things, but in those lucid moments, crystal-clear visions of a past that’s mostly gone, it is beautiful.

  4. annz January 11, 2011 at #

    Happy birthday to your dear Pops! What a sweet smile!

  5. Lesbian Dad January 11, 2011 at #

    Thank you all. I had a donut with him this morning, and conveyed your warm wishes. :)

    Debbie, thank you for that, too. Feels like the older I get the more I see the likeness (though I see it in my sister, too). And annz: What a sweet picture!

  6. susan January 13, 2011 at #

    I hope it’s not too late to add my best wishes for your dad. Your stories about him are some of my favorites–you are all so lucky to have each other.

    • Lesbian Dad January 13, 2011 at #

      Thank you, susan! Never too late to send along a little warmth! And anyhow, he will be fêted in a big way this weekend (sister’s throwing an enormous dinner party for him and 37 of his closest friends), and he’ll be celebrated on smaller scales later in the month. After 90 trips around the sun, it’s worth a whole month of accolades.

  7. Vikki January 14, 2011 at #

    Happy Birthday to your Pops! Also, I think we had that same couch.

  8. SJnky January 22, 2011 at #

    As always -I love your pops :) What a good man. I want one just like him someday :)

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