Comments on: The hitchin’ post

By: dimplecheek

dimplecheek — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:35:19 +0000

“But justice shouldn’t be a gift. It is a human right, and its restoration tastes bittersweet.”

Now there’s a T-Shirt!

Congratulations on your anniversary next month! As always, a pleasure to read your words.

By: Shereen

Shereen — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:34:23 +0000

So well put, as always. Up here in the Great White North, it all felt a bit… I don’t know… precarious and arbitrary, maybe? while it was still on a provincial level. Once the Supreme Court of the land stood up and did the right thing, I was surprised by the level of pride and gratitude I felt. It shouldn’t have been a question in the first place, but lots of things have taken generations to manifest that shouldn’t have.
We said we wouldn’t get married until we were allowed to do it in our own back yard. Did it change anything? Yes, strangely. We didn’t need it for ourselves, but it worked some kind of mojo on folks around us. My wife’s parents got it, finally. They understood that what we have is equal to what they have, if very different in the details. And it made things feel a bit easier, like you were saying to stand for once with the law of society on our side.
So as much as you don’t need it for your relationship – congratulations. We can never have too many occasions to celebrate love.

By: Vikki

Vikki — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:29:28 +0000

Ours is a similar tale…made in Minnesota like yours. We celebrated our 15th anniversary in April and, in October, it will be 8 years since our commitment ceremoney (which was also, in a beautiful coincidence, the day our first child was conceived – yep, knocked up on my wedding day). The other day, while cooking dinner and wrangling children, I asked Luisa if she would want to get married should the option ever come our way. The conclusion…yes, we would do it for the legal protections. The thing is that we are committed to one another and have been for a very long time. We have celebrated that commitment with friends and family and mark it every year. In some ways, this marriage business seems a bit surreal to me having lived on the outside for so long. That said, I am thrilled to see all of the beautiful wedding photos coming out of California. Love is an incredible thing. Congrats to you and the beloved!

By: Jen

Jen — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:34:31 +0000

Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for your articulate explanation of the complicated emotions that go along with having our relationships legally recognized. I’ve been a lurker here for some time, but this got me off the fence and made me decide it was time to post.

My partner and I married almost exactly 2 years ago, after being together for more than five years. We gathered our community around us and promised to love and cherish each other forever. It wasn’t legal (our state doesn’t allow that), but it was very real. We ARE married.

It seems to me that the down-side of celebrating the state’s decision to allow same-sex couples to get married, is that such celebration says that this institution has the right to decide who is “really” married. So if the CA ballot initiative goes through in November and suddenly these marriages are no longer allowed, does that make the people who marry today any less married? I would hope that the people involved in these marriages would believe that their commitment to each other continues, with or without a certificate from the state and the rights that come with it. Like you, LD, I am proud of queer culture’s ability to create our own rituals and infuse them with the meanings that we need, without sanction from the state. And I’m not too keen on giving away that power to an institution that I don’t really trust.

AND I will be very happy (and much relieved) when our state gets around to granting my partner and I and our child-to-be (due Dec 28th!) the rights we need to take care of each other. But we are already married.

By: Ruffian706

Ruffian706 — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:27:41 +0000

So very well written, and impactful.

If there is one thing I love about blogs (perhaps this could be fodder for the BlogHer topic?), it is the limitless opportunity to help folks understand a view and a life different from one’s own. I’ve found that, as supportive as they are, it is often hard for straight friends to understand the conflicting emotional currents that surround gay marriage–why some folk seem ambivalent about it or even opposed to it, and why many who strive for it still feel dissonance between wanting that safety net, but resisting the the thought that a piece of paper equals legitimacy. The next time such an educational opportunity arises, I will surely remember this post and point them to it.

And the story of your courtship was a wonderful bonus. I have to say, your comment about your beloved finding the father of her children sent chills down my spine, not just for the drippy romance, but for the (non)gender recognition and context. Love is indeed an amazing thing! My own s/o and I are preparing to ford some fairly rough waters right now, but strangely it feels that, while a lot of hard work and difficulty will be involved, things will come through. (Well, OK, I feel that way…I don’t want to speak for her!) The quiet confidence and strength that has come with this is a new, strange, and wonderful feeling for me.

So congratulations to all four of you–not for the piece of paper you will receive next month, but for the years of strength and love and perseverance that you have already enjoyed, and the many more to come.

By: Shane

Shane — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:22:02 +0000

Congratulations on becoming legally recognized. I hope to one day join you and the other thousands of legally recognized same-sex couples across the nation.

I’m sure that when the time comes to my solidly blue, yet often backward home state of Michigan I will have many of the same mixed emotions as you described in your post. I currently view myself as married and in fact, just celebrated the 12th anniversary with my beloved. I was never one to dream of wedding bells and fairytale ceremonies as a child but I have been to enough weddings in my life to know that it would be nice to stand before my friends and family and proudly proclaim my undying love for the woman who has been at my side for almost half of my life (we met when I was a mere baby-dyke of just 18 and made it as official as it can be for now shortly after I turned 19 – but we had been cohabitating for over a year at that point.) Moreover, it would be wonderful for that ceremony to end with the signing of a legal document that affords all the legal rights and recognitions that should be available to us now.

Given the status of our recently (2004) changed state constitution with the words “for any purpose” tacked onto the end of the anti gay marriage amendment, we have gone from second class citizend who must have legal document after legal document drawn up for the simple things like hospital visitation and property inheritance, to no class citizens whose documents can be thrown out in court because they “aproximate legal recognition of marriage”. For this reason we may be one of the first couples from our area to wing our way off to California post election and (hopefully) defeate of the impending amendment to your own state constitution, so that we may be legally joined in marriage in at least one state. I don’t know that I would go so far as to sue for recognition of our union in Michigan, there are so many issues involved in that, but I would at least have legal ground to stand on should something unfortunate happen to one of us and a probate court case be required.

By: LookyDaddy

LookyDaddy — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:03:05 +0000

While I feel I totally understand your reticence to jump up and down and go nuts over your impending state-if-not-nation-sanctioned wedding, since I wasn’t around for the first ceremony, I’ll be jumping up and down and going nuts for this one. And you’ll just have to deal with it. So there.

And, if given half a chance, I would teach myself the accordion just to play it afterwards.

By: innercitygarden

innercitygarden — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 12:15:58 +0000

I couldn’t comment earlier because of a) my toddler and b) the teary.

Anyway, congratuations on finally getting the legal recognition of what’s always been there. Congratulations because along with lots and lots of other people you’ve worked to make that legal recognition happen by de-mystifying your family relationships by being out and honest even though it can be hard and scary and exhausting.

And congratulations on having made a good life in the meantime, not waiting around for permission!

By: theredbaron

theredbaron — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 07:29:07 +0000

My wife and I felt similarly. We had our big church “wedding” commitment ceremony, which is the day we count as our anniversary. However, we definately wanted to have the civil marriage as well so we decided to traipse over to West Hollywood early Tuesday morning with our teen-aged foster daughter. We got to get our license, have the civil ceremony (for which our daughter was able to be the witness), and feel surrounding by well-wishers and festivity without taking away from the significance of our wedding day. We even got to be interviewed by a plethora of media outfits! Here’s our interview that was broadcast live…(just copy and paste the address if you’re interested).

http://ktla.trb.com/video/?clipId=2599345&topVideoCatNo=79422&c=79422&autoStart=true&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&clipFormat=

The city of WeHo also had official city photographers taking pictures which they’ve posted on Flickr. Gotta say that for this wedding it was fun to get all the perks — flowers, cheering crowds, photographers, wedding cupcakes, etc. — on the cheap!

By: ullalauridsen

ullalauridsen — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 06:39:28 +0000

Well, I’m almost sorry for congratulating you, and I really should have known better. I’m in a somewhat similar position. My husband and I bought rings and “got engaged”, making it clear to everyone that that was it. We did not intend to marry, as I dislike the institution (and my husband is nice enough to go along with everything I want). Then we had the kids etc., etc. and we realized there were some inheritance issues. Then we decided to get “the license”, a prenub and a will to sort those issues (the prenub was to take some of the sting out of it, for me). I knew my mother wouldn’t be able to handle it sensibly, so we didn’t tell anyone, not even the kids. Two years later, because all our parents worried about the legal issues, we told them that we had “done the paper work.” As expected, my mother was miffed, and she still, several years on, keeps asking “what date was it?” etc. And I feel exactly like you do: when we committed, that’s when. THAT date she unfortunately does not seem able to remember, even though it is her own birthday
Let me at least congratulate you both on now having the legal options available to anyone else.