Comments on: It’s all relatives http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/ notes from the crossroads of mother and father Sat, 11 Oct 2008 10:31:43 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: Shelley http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-34595 Shelley Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:02:09 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-34595 Fabulous in so, so many ways. Thank you! Fabulous in so, so many ways. Thank you!

]]> By: rreagler http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29730 rreagler Fri, 20 Jul 2007 17:59:39 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29730 What a great, great post. Thanks! What a great, great post. Thanks!

]]> By: Vikki http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29721 Vikki Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:49:33 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29721 "Queer family-making begins with sharing, and can only happen when we open ourselves to others." This is a powerful sentence (one of many). In my experience, there is a do-it-alone attitude with most heterosexual families...not just with conception but with parenting as well. I've had straight parents stare at me blankly when I talk about my community and the ways in which we care for and parent all of our children. It is not part of their experience. I have a clear memory of leaving the hospital after our second child was born. The nurse wheeled me down to the street level and was telling me that I would need to rest and that I should try to rely on my partner for helping with meals and child care and cleaning the house. I told her that we were set: our friends had already cleaned the house while we were in the hospital, meals were set up for two weeks by friends and that our oldest child would have many opportunities to spend time with his friends and their parents. She looked at me and said, "Well...you have more support than most people". That is the truth and it is a gift that comes from the type of sharing to which you refer. “Queer family-making begins with sharing, and can only happen when we open ourselves to others.” This is a powerful sentence (one of many). In my experience, there is a do-it-alone attitude with most heterosexual families…not just with conception but with parenting as well. I’ve had straight parents stare at me blankly when I talk about my community and the ways in which we care for and parent all of our children. It is not part of their experience. I have a clear memory of leaving the hospital after our second child was born. The nurse wheeled me down to the street level and was telling me that I would need to rest and that I should try to rely on my partner for helping with meals and child care and cleaning the house. I told her that we were set: our friends had already cleaned the house while we were in the hospital, meals were set up for two weeks by friends and that our oldest child would have many opportunities to spend time with his friends and their parents. She looked at me and said, “Well…you have more support than most people”. That is the truth and it is a gift that comes from the type of sharing to which you refer.

]]> By: Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms » Blog Archive » Teaching Non-LGBT Families a Thing or Two About Family Creation http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29601 Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms » Blog Archive » Teaching Non-LGBT Families a Thing or Two About Family Creation Thu, 19 Jul 2007 22:41:17 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29601 [...] Last Sunday, the New York Times ran a piece titled “Your Gamete, Myself,” that explores issues surrounding conception via an egg donor. The author, Peggy Orenstein, has written with about infertility before, notably in her memoir Waiting for Daisy, but somehow overlooks a vast resource on this subject: LGBT families. Polly at LesbianDad calls her on this, noting that it’s not just a matter of LGBT visibility, but of our community having deep expertise on this topic: Any family that is, at its biological level, dependent on some kind of community outside its nuclear unit – be it with the help of an adoption agency, the help of a fertility clinic, or the generosity of friends, acquaintances, or strangers as donors – is an open family, not a closed one. This quite obviously is an area in which LGBT family folk are immensely practiced. Queer family-making begins with sharing, and can only happen when we open ourselves to others. Because of this, we have a hell of a lot to teach heterosexual family-makers about not just making peace with that fact, but understanding it for the gift it genuinely is. In other words: we’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers, and therein lies the strength of our families, not their weakness. [...] [...] Last Sunday, the New York Times ran a piece titled “Your Gamete, Myself,” that explores issues surrounding conception via an egg donor. The author, Peggy Orenstein, has written with about infertility before, notably in her memoir Waiting for Daisy, but somehow overlooks a vast resource on this subject: LGBT families. Polly at LesbianDad calls her on this, noting that it’s not just a matter of LGBT visibility, but of our community having deep expertise on this topic: Any family that is, at its biological level, dependent on some kind of community outside its nuclear unit – be it with the help of an adoption agency, the help of a fertility clinic, or the generosity of friends, acquaintances, or strangers as donors – is an open family, not a closed one. This quite obviously is an area in which LGBT family folk are immensely practiced. Queer family-making begins with sharing, and can only happen when we open ourselves to others. Because of this, we have a hell of a lot to teach heterosexual family-makers about not just making peace with that fact, but understanding it for the gift it genuinely is. In other words: we’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers, and therein lies the strength of our families, not their weakness. [...]

]]> By: LesbianDad http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29566 LesbianDad Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:56:38 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29566 Thanks, all. (Shereen, thanks: it was a "curly" quotes issue. Who'd-a thunk.) And epowley, contarn it that's just what I'll do. Thanks, all. (Shereen, thanks: it was a “curly” quotes issue. Who’d-a thunk.) And epowley, contarn it that’s just what I’ll do.

]]> By: epowley http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29564 epowley Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:51:00 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29564 Please write a letter to the editor in response to the article? Your post is beautiful and your analysis is so helpful. Please write a letter to the editor in response to the article? Your post is beautiful and your analysis is so helpful.

]]> By: ShirleyMalmborg http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29561 ShirleyMalmborg Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:27:41 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29561 I did read this whole story in the NY Times mag this past weekend I was looking for this lady to bring up the subject you write about in your post. She said nothing about queer families and their quests to become parents. I thought that was weird. You'd think it would kind of be central in there. But she did make me remember to be grateful that we had no insurmountable conception issues, and that because of this fact we now have two wonderful, silly, magnetic, adorable, smart children. I did read this whole story in the NY Times mag this past weekend I was looking for this lady to bring up the subject you write about in your post. She said nothing about queer families and their quests to become parents. I thought that was weird.

You’d think it would kind of be central in there.

But she did make me remember to be grateful that we had no insurmountable conception issues, and that because of this fact we now have two wonderful, silly, magnetic, adorable, smart children.

]]> By: Shereen http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29525 Shereen Thu, 19 Jul 2007 14:53:35 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29525 Brava, sister. My wife and I, attending our first adoption parenting preparation course as part of our family-building journey, noted to each other that we seemed to be further along the track of self-awareness and choice-making than many of the couples we shared the room with, most of whom seemed still to be grieving their infertility, and sitting in the adoption room by painful default. It was a relief, after being hurt and scared by all the vulnerability in our pursuit of a family so far, to realize that it has created a deep consciousness about what we want, why we want it, how it meshes with our values, and what we are and are not willing to do to get there. Thank you for putting this into words so powerfully. Side note: the link to the studies goes to a 404 message, with a note to remind you about a toolbar? Brava, sister. My wife and I, attending our first adoption parenting preparation course as part of our family-building journey, noted to each other that we seemed to be further along the track of self-awareness and choice-making than many of the couples we shared the room with, most of whom seemed still to be grieving their infertility, and sitting in the adoption room by painful default. It was a relief, after being hurt and scared by all the vulnerability in our pursuit of a family so far, to realize that it has created a deep consciousness about what we want, why we want it, how it meshes with our values, and what we are and are not willing to do to get there. Thank you for putting this into words so powerfully.
Side note: the link to the studies goes to a 404 message, with a note to remind you about a toolbar?

]]> By: Liza http://www.lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29509 Liza Thu, 19 Jul 2007 13:02:27 +0000 http://lesbiandad.net/2007/07/19/its-all-relatives/#comment-29509 You are my (s)hero. I haven't read the NYT story, but I heard Orenstein on NPR Monday or Tuesday, and I thought, "Yes, these are great questions! And perhaps one of the few areas where LGBT families have an advantage. Maybe she should talk to some of us." You put it much more eloquently. You are my (s)hero.

I haven’t read the NYT story, but I heard Orenstein on NPR Monday or Tuesday, and I thought, “Yes, these are great questions! And perhaps one of the few areas where LGBT families have an advantage. Maybe she should talk to some of us.”

You put it much more eloquently.

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