I’ve tried several times to describe the fear. It seems to be universal to anybody who loves anybody, something most people keep at bay. It’s something those of us who experience these near misses (and solid, shocking losses) must look at in the light, squarely, and not because we want to. You’ve captured a lot here.

This is a beautiful piece, and you’re a wonderful writer.

About a year after my son was born, I started feeling “not quite right”. For all sorts of personal reasons, my mind went to the worst possible places and I feared death for the first time in my entire life. The doctor eventually figured out that I had a thyroid problem and with treatment the “not quite rightness” disappeared. What did not disappear, however, was the Fear. I had always had so much to live for but, after the birth of my son, I realized that I now had so much to lose. A couple of months into this period of anxiety, I saw my midwife for a check up and she must have looked into my soul because she said, “A lot of new mothers fear death…” I burst into tears and we talked and I began the process of learning to live with this amazing love and the specter of possible loss.